It was a cold winter night, temperature has already fallen below the freezing point, and the weather forecasts are predicting it can go down further. How low, well, I for sure, that day, looked to the endless sky, screamed mutely asking for pity on me. Though I was seated in a nice, plush restaurant, richness, echoing all around, by the colourful lights and the golden hue, spreading the warmth, diminishing the dark, that’s consuming the streets, warmth from the conditioners, gently touching the blazer covered body, numbing cold by the mother nature is still got me.
All the while, I sat consumed and poised, wondering the notion of seasons, life, death, memories,
past, present, hurdles, struggle, survival so on so forth, cacophony of musky voice, slowly,
disturbed train of thoughts. Can’t help but pay attention to the voice, a male one, husky, though
poignant, crisp and vibrating with emotion, neither clearly saying loud nor whispering, seemed like, stating the suppressed facts that’s so long hidden, to no one but himself, yet one would easily
mistake, it as directed, to the woman, who was sitting next to him. One must accede the fact, she is perfect in every way, curvaceous, well, lust beat me there, being man, her ample bosom and tiny waist and slender thighs, tender arms and long neck, was all I noticed on my first sight. Later,
after paying attention , I see a small tear drop rolling down her cheek, which irked me, not sure
why, wanted to jump off the chair and punch this guy in the face for this sin. Sidelined the idea
and for reasons unknown, I paid attention to the voice again.
“Honey, well, when I first saw you, it was lust that has driven me to you, that deep desire to hold
you, all the time, till I can never breathe, lay next to you, and look into those wonderful dove
eyes, get lost in that beautiful world, hold your neck, kiss you passionately, till the moment, we
both run out of breath, carry you on my arms, so I can only bear you and I don’t have to share you, the idea, that sharing you with earth, makes me jealous. So to speak, I was overwhelmed by the emotion as such, several sleepless nights, I used to wonder, is this love? How long can I hold on to this thought? If I love you that much, why can’t I dream about you?. Time slipped by, as I let that emotion consume me, slowly but continuously, day by day, only you, the very you and the beauty of word we, ahh! well that word we, never sounded better to me till that point, helped me keep my sanity in one piece.
Well, time indeed has take her toll on me, the pure, raw form of love, rather being just an emotion,
it slowly shaped itself to passion, yes, my dear, you heard me right, it became passion, not the
physical you, but just the thought, that you belong to me, screaming to the world, “You are mine”,
kept me going. You may not understand this concept my love, passion, what we humans, knowingly or unknowingly relish and live for it, make us what we are, with our feet firmly rooted to the ground. Am not saying, I am no longer driven by the emotion, if you can see, the emotion is the driving factor, a need, a necessity if I should say, that has driven me to this path, a path that’s filled with passion, passion for you, passion on you, passion to be with you, path that’s is driven by love on you. Indeed, love is the preliminary emotion, though, now I am in love with the passion more than am with you, I know, it sounds absurd, but it’s the fact, I love passion where that passion is filled with you. Well am saying this loud my dear, in future, there shouldn’t be any questions between us, in case any indifference pop up, please look at this conversation, that my love is the passion and passion itself is you, so, simply put, I love you, I believe it means simple words to you, yet these words, may fail to carry the emotion or describe the anger that’s coming out of the suffering and pain I face now which are caused by my shameless admission and complete submission to you,
Never in light years my dear, never, even for once, do ask me this question again, do you still love
me? or every say you don’t love me the way you used to be! It hurts me beyond words, rather saying this, you could simply stab me in the heart and let me be free, I would gladly accept it, rather saying this, ask me to jump off the cliff, without hesitation, with no other thoughts or remorse, I would do, hoping it would make you happy.”
Unable to look into his eyes, as the wise said, eyes are the windows to heart, I can see that he was speaking his heart out, he was not tearing up, masculinity I believe, society has taken away that wonderful gift from me, “He cries like a girl”, “Why are you crying, are you a girl or what?”, he
drifted his gaze from her eyes, looked my way and then to the endless sky outside, though the glass, is reflecting his own image in shade, he kept on looking. Wondering what all it meant to me,
completely moved, I called up waiter, paid for their dinner too, raised a toast and walked off into
while I stand riveted to notions and perceptions
realization strikes me hard to accede facts
end up aligning myself with ever changing winds!
Scars from my past mistakes come to haunt me,
misguided faith, mistaking my intentions for fear
over powers my inner benign with blinding rage
struggles with will to keep those fumes in cage!
Mystical mind questioning mythical reasoning
relentlessly pursuing the vastness of being,
transgress beyond altered faiths of theology,
look deep into my reflection for answers within
Plastic screams and muffled moans of my emotions
I heed verily and to them fall prey very easily
this flesh does have desires that burns lastingly
ashamed yet satisfied I tend to them repeatedly!
Drifting dreams overlapping with life’s reality,
in state of perpetual existence I spend my days
while metaphorical world speaks to me in native
tongue, I stare at void, asking her to consume me!
Manufactured images thrown my way by illusions
I look to pry and dissect the visions pretense
for better understanding of what is beneath,
concluding increased knowledge complicate things!
At the hilltop, cool summer wind as the only audience,
look down at the world, that’s, well beneath my feet,
the arrogance of life reflecting on the endless sky,
dreamy delights of the day dreams, slowly slips by!
Cacophony of life, rambling with the ageless time,
swings wildly between points of poignancy and accuracy
longevity of the thoughts, struggles with coherence,
notions of being and living, keep coming back to me!
Clouds flowing aimlessly, caressing all the while,
echoes the notion of never belonging, constantly,
serenity in life is attached to being detached,
close my eyes, command the heart to stay still!
The platitude of solitude, aligned parallel to plane of deviation,
strikes my numb mind hard, to relinquish any thoughts of reservation,
close eyes gently, hoping to drift off to vacant lands of salvation,
let in notion of sleep, wishing, it would give wings to my imagination!
Completely worn out pate, welcoming the coming flow of, fast paced time,
bows down, in adherence to this perception of, ethereal alchemy for mind,
leaves behind, axiomatic world, hinged on dimensional planes all the while,
to challenge, well proven realities, declaring existence of life and dream!
Bending time, that realistic world spits as fact, past to any naked eye,
extrapolating the curve, to the times of near future, defying the reality,
transposing helical past, to collide the with events of tomorrow coming by,
transforming, linear form of sands of time, to simplified elliptical theory!
Chasing ripples of time, drifting on, three dimensional plane perpetually,
observing from another dimension, which may not be perceivable realistically,
diving, at random yet orderly chosen points, distorting flow intentionally,
enjoying, order in chaos, which the pragmatic world, not seeing it properly!
Waves of tomorrow, slowly lapping, on the distorted notion of spent today,
dragging and merging, with perennial past, shifting existence unnoticeably,
clamouring the crippled idea of existence, preferring to believe new day,
while pushing events, defined and worn this soul, to so called yesterday!
Bright crimson shapes, blinding the eyes from planes, that did make believe,
crashing world, built on multiple facets, which perceptible eyes cannot see,
pulls back mind, to the age old world, where facts are approved when perceived,
a well spent slumber, that defies any logic, to unknown lands silently it flee!
Life, ripples to the shores of reality,
while the senile heart beat endlessly,
adapts to the incoming change, aimlessly,
struggles hard to understand the parity!
The sands of time, drift nonchalantly,
bringing along the illusions of beliefs
wonderful future, a recurring motif,
never allowing, to think differently!
Death completes the notion of living,
beautiful as it sound, this divine angel,
speaks of volumes in silence, a lull,
embracing her resonates with being!
Teach me how, way to walk the distance,
indifferent to pain and the suffering,
embrace the journey as much the destiny.
Show me how, way to carry out the emotions,
with same gait irrespective of the burden,
staying the same, no aberrations, all the while!
Tell me how, to speak the heart every time,
while not altering the course of emotions,
just conveying raw form of simplified facts
Guide me how, to follow heart no matter what,
make the decisions with doubtless mind,
face the ripples, with no drear involved!
Living in ruins, no one to ask me why I do what I do,
past is what I live with, while present bears no meaning
time just slips by, as I trail all the events backwards,
reliving haunting past, relishing the quiet of solitude!
As I lie cherishing silence shared by loneliness,
angular screams of acute realities, in these finite realms
the calm senses shiver to look beyond the pleasantries,
riveted mind addicted to desolation, rejects all such notions
Stretched time, overlap with imagined perceptions,
kindled heart, traverses well known path of self-deprivation,
gets more attached to perceived outcomes of social exploration,
deprived and feeling denied, wishes to nurture this addiction!
Wounded soul yearning for perpetual existence of seclusion,
pulls hard, at the defiant part of brain to give-in without fight,
sit in a chair, reclining little more, look down on the toll
that is taken by time spent “while I rejected the world?”
Severed bonds of relations, none coming to say even a hello,
denying response to any early requests of coming out of this cage,
blanketed the world, under the disguise of pain to be left alone,
feel the wrath, moan in pain or pleasure, can’t say for sure!
Part of me, still has the fortitude to come out and face music,
while wounded self will to live in vain, nothing will change,
longing for relief, look for ways to solace this whole me,
and live in peace and harmony with what all that is left
Contrasting life against colorful reality,
addicted mind, allocating perception of duality
adjusting senses to amplify pros of irregularity
spirals down path of, solitude cherishing individuality
Much attached to the notion of living alone
fixating on inhibitions, not for once dwell on
living in closed walls, blinding curtains, well drawn
wails of weeping heart that mistaken as pleasure moans
In solitude, looking for bliss in ignorance,
leaving behind the world, living in this ruins
pry on past, dwindling with the bristling winds
cursing loud cowardice, for it is aiding this loneliness!
Still mind, relishing this profound silence,
countering reasoning or any negating perceptions
craving for seclusion, ever inviting the emptiness
searching for peace in stark void filled with nothingness!
While past come to haunt and beat on senses,
present seems merging with burdening past’s presence
recluse mind, yearns for relief to stay forever in peace
give in more to this notion of desolation in hopes of deliverance
— This is my old write 🙂 Just reposting it here
fuming sun, eyes echoing lies, which
passed the contempt lips, heart beating
in silence, questioning the ineptitude
to revolt at attitude of accepting “Almost”
In search of a dreamy land,
where I can sleep like just born baby,
tranquility is no longer notion,
pain is considered just, rather unfair,
being content is considered living,
choices driven by selfishness are wise,
actions echo the consent of doubtless heart,
pleasing others is put down to rest forever,
agreeing in disagreeing not regarded as cowardice,
passionate love is no longer a luxury,
wisdom is not preached rather embraced,
I spend everyday!
Thinning dark on the street, marking the incoming day,
slowly paint before me, flowing invisible sands of time
though superfluous, being well aware of it slipping by,
sit by window, I let the night take its toll on sanity.
Melting night, exhausting the peace that’s within,
obtained through lot of mental struggle on the oblivion
of intangible absolution, picking at my physical ruins,
work its way, reminding me, that life is on it’s way!
Tired of being just, measuring the distance in-depth,
dart gaze beyond streets, beyond hills that’s mimicking planes,
a place, that’s pledging tranquility, racing with time,
heart is eager to rest this physical me, in liberation!
Searching for peace, dignity questioning the integrity,
quest for calm is indeed an act of cowardice, when thought of,
walking the mile, a sense of contempt slowly eating up,
walk back to my bed, lie down on it, with eyes wide open!
Closed walls, though imitating the night, can feel the sun,
another disturbing night, added to the countless likewise,
I frown at nothing, everything, wondering, is this living?
neither age nor my wisdom, can clarify this fundamental notion!